Three Easy Ways to Strengthen Self-Regulation
I have spent the last fifteen years working with individuals through education, child development, and within the mental health field. The ages I have worked range from the very beginning of the life span (some of them literally “negative 4 weeks old” because of their premature birth) to deep into adulthood. Through my professional experience, as well as my own unpredictable and adverse ridden childhood experience, I have learned a great deal about self-regulation and the lack thereof. If I were to give the world just one statement of advice to cultivate self-regulation it would be to learn and practice thinking outside of yourself, in other words get familiar with intersubjectivity.
What is intersubjectivity?
Intersubjectivity, in its simplest form, is the act of considering that you are an individual experiencing and perceiving your life, and that everyone else is also an individual experiencing and perceive the happenings of their life. I think Guy Pierce summarized it eloquently in the movie Memento when he said “Memory is not a record, it’s an interpretation”...or something along that line. What he was referring to is our innate inability to record reality as it happens. Instead, we perceive life through our unique interpretation. In some cases, it is as if we are imprisoned by our own perception. Of course, perception is an evolutionary tool necessary for our survival but it also has the ability to cause us a lot of stress when we aren’t using intersubjectivity to balance the dyad between both our and opposing perceptions.
How does intersubjectivity relate to self-regulation?
Have you ever felt that you were wronged by a person and found yourself ruminating on what you believe they did while entering into a state of stress that caused you to act out in a way you later came to regret? That reaction is called impulsivity and it is an example of dysregulation. That stress response has been processed physiologically in what I like to call our “internal safety headquarters” and the message it is sending is “ALERT! DANGER! DO SOMETHING!” The activation of impulsivity is a complex one that can stem from different areas and times of our life, but the dysregulation that it causes can be very active in the present.
When we react impulsively, for example, when we believe someone has offended us and we immediately say something hurtful to them in response, we are seeing the world only through one lens. Whereas, when we have the ability to process the possibilities, aka self-regulation, we are able to see that it’s possible that person did not have ill intentions, or that the person lacks sufficient social skills, or maybe that person is displacing the frustration they had from their wife telling they that morning that she’s leaving them for a younger man she’s been cheating on them with (extreme example, I know). But the reality is we can never really know what is going on in the mind or life of another person, unless they tell us.
Now this isn’t to say that a person saying something offensive is excusable because they’re having a bad day. Instead, it is creating space between what they did, the motive behind it, and our feelings about it. By choosing to perceive the behavior of another as a personal offense against us, or worse, that there is something wrong with us, makes us vulnerable to holding the belief that things don’t just happen sometimes, they happen to us. The more we choose to take the behavior of another personally, the more we increase our susceptibility to perceiving ourselves as a victim of our life rather than a conscious observer of it.
How can we use intersubjectivity to self-regulate?
The skill of intersubjectivity is strengthened by considering the possible feelings of others. So how can we actively and regularly do this?
1. Consider that others’ behavior may have nothing to do with you.
Notice when you have negative thoughts about another person. For example “she is always trying to make me look bad”. Consider for a moment the possibility that their behavior has nothing to do with you. Maybe they never received enough validation as a kid and now in their adult life they are constantly striving for acknowledgment and recognition. Maybe in doing so, they inadvertently negatively affect people around them because they are so hyper-focussed on getting ahead. Again, this does not excuse the behavior but it does create a separation from you and it. In other words, taking their behavior and considering that it may have nothings at all to do with you and everything to do with their insecurity and low self-worth helps you feel a sense of clarity that can turn of the DANGER! DANGER! alarm going off in your brain.
2. Feed compassion.
This one can be really tough when you’re just getting started but I can’t emphasize enough how much of a difference it makes in your emotional regulation. When someone annoys you to the point that you are having negative thoughts about them as a person, exercise the affirmation “I am sending [person’s name] positive energy”. Now bare with me because I imagine you might be thinking this is outrageously absurd, but there is science belying this. For one thing, you are shifting the focus of negative feelings and stress influenced by this person to a constructive and positive mindset, reducing the intensity of negative emotions. When you focus on sending positive energy, you are more likely to consider the other person's perspective, which can diminish feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment. It also reinforces your sense of control. Instead of feeling helpless or victimized by another person's behavior, you take an active role in managing your response, which can be empowering and calming.
3. Identify the “what” and “how”.
The moment you notice a shift in your emotions due to the actions of another, identify what happened and how it influenced you to feel. For instance, if you are a female and your male supervisor explained “It doesn’t matter who gets the credit, as long it gets done” (totally just an example and not something a man at work once said to me in reference to a task I personally completed), first identify what happened: A supervisor said [this statement.] Identifying the "what" helps you pinpoint exactly what the person did or said that caused you to feel upset. This clarity is crucial because it allows you to understand the specific action or behavior that triggered your emotional response. Next, identify how it influenced you to feel: It influenced me to feel unvalued and unrecognized. Identifying the "how" helps you understand how this behavior impacted you emotionally and why it led to feelings of aggravation or hurt. This involves recognizing the thoughts and emotions that arose as a result of the person's actions.The act of naming your emotions—articulating the "what" and "how"—helps to reduce their intensity. This is because putting feelings into words engages the rational part of your brain, which helps to calm the emotional part.
These three strategies have been personally transformative in reshaping how I think and react to stressors in my life and are my favorite tools for helping others practice and maintain self-regulation. For more support in exploring topics like self-regulation and coping with people that annoy you, check out my exploration programs below.
