How Relating to Others Can Soften Your Inner-Critic

We all experience the antagonistic voice of self-doubt and self-criticism from time to time but for some of us, it can feel completely debilitating when it shows up. 

The motive of the inner-critic is often to convince us that we are alone in our suffering and that we should feel alone because of that. But the truth is, suffering is part of the human experience. Every person experiences emotional pain at some point and at varying degrees. When we believe that we are alone in our suffering it disconnects us from others and pushes us further into what feels like a lonely black hole of pain.   

During one of my social skills groups at a mental health and addiction treatment center, a client was sharing his interest in cooking and telling us about his choice to have a vegan diet. This was of particular interest to me because I am vegan. Another group member and I shared our enthusiasm for what he was saying, then separated to take a ten minute break. 

When everyone returned to the group, Conner, another client came back with his head down and chose to pass when it was his turn to speak. Conner was usually a more talkative participant in the group so it was especially striking when he didn’t want to participate. I reminded him that he didn’t have to participate if he didn’t want to, but that we all really wanted him to take his turn and loved when he did. He sat in silence. I decided to give him a moment and continued on with the group. 

After a few minutes, I returned to him and told him that I could see he was upset about something and that me and the rest of the group cared about him and cared about was going on for him and if he was willing to tell us, we would like to know. 

With little hesitation, he told us how he felt like a loser, that he had nothing to show for his life, and that he had no idea what he was doing in his life. As he spoke, I realized that because Jack, the group member that was telling us about his passion for animals and plant-based cooking earlier, had been praised it caused Conner to feel alone in his feeling of uncertainty about who he was, his passions, and his interests. Ultimately that led him to feel shame and insecurity.

We all simply listened to Conner share his honest feelings with us. Once he was finished, I told him that as alone as he might feel, so many of us feel that same way about ourselves and that while it might seem like everyone “has it together”, most of us don’t feel like we do it all. He perked up. Jack walked over to Conner and offered him a hug. He said “I feel like that all the time”. Conner’s eyes widened, as he said “You do?” Jack went on to tell us how he always feels like a loser and so different from everyone else, including his friends. The other group members chimed in about how often they feel like outcasts and the painful uncertainty of their life purpose and direction.  Conner’s physical body language started to change as they validated his feelings. He sat up, leaned in and even smiled. 

The group discussion transitioned to everyone sharing what genuine success was to them and what a happy and fulfilling life looked like to them. By the end of the group, Conner’s demeanor had completely changed. He looked excited to move forward with his day, to continue to interact with this group of guys that he then felt connected to through the vulnerability of sharing fears and insecurities. Before leaving the group, Conner thanked me and I thanked him for being brave enough to be honest with us. 

That session reminded me just how powerful and comforting it can be to have another person relate to our insecurities. Simply hearing the words “I feel like that too” immediately reminds us that we aren’t alone in our pain, and ultimately that we aren’t alone at all. It helps us create space from us and the pain itself, and instead draws our attention to the connection that exists between us and others. Once Conner was shown support through the shared feelings and experiences of the other group members, he was able to refocus his attention from his inner-critic to his strengths and ambitions and what he was working towards in his recovery. 

To learn more about how Explore to Heal can help you improve your inner critic through social support check out our programs through the link below.