What are Family Triangles and How Do They Affect Family Members?
When you think about your relationship with your parents, do you feel closer or more sympathetic towards one parent versus the other? One reason for this may be because as a child, you were pulled into a family triangle by either the parent you’re closer to, or the one you feel less close or sympathetic towards.
Family Triangles are natural and healthy components of a family dynamic, but when they are wrapped in too intense of an emotional relationship, or formed too often, they can be destructive to the family system and the relationships that exist within it.
In this article, we will talk about what family triangles are, how they affect family members, and how to loosen the triangles in order to have a more healthy and balanced relationship between family members.
What is a family triangle?
To understand what a family triangle is, it may be more helpful to understand how it forms. When spouses have an unresolved conflict between each other, which may or may not lead to divorce, one parent will attempt to create either an alliance with one of their children (usually the child that is or acts as the first born), or create a strong focus on them and problems they have in order to distract from the underlying unresolved problem that exist between them and their spouse.
The first triangle that forms in a family system is between parents and child, but additional triangles may form between siblings and parent, and between siblings. In a healthy family system, the parents are the closer points of the triangle and the child is on the outer end. In other words, the parents are a united front that provide nurturance, boundaries and structure that allow the child to simply play the role of a child, rather than act as an emotional support or psychological weapon in the parents’ relationship.
An example of how a family triangle is formed is where there is conflict between a mother and father about how the mom spends money. A triangle can be formed by the dad complaining to the son about how his mother spends his hard earned money and how they would be able to buy him more things if the mom were more conservative with her shopping.
An example of this triangle in action would be where the family sits at the dinner table, the dad brings up the concern for the mom’s spending, the son agrees that the mom’s shopping is wasteful and that the money could be spent on more useful things for the family. The mom attempts to defend her pastime to both the son and the father, assuming her position on the far end of the triangle.
How do triangles affect family members?
In the example above, the dad is creating an alliance with the son by convincing him that his mom is “the enemy” when it comes to family finances and spending. The son is essentially being manipulated into forming a negative opinion about his mother because of the one-sided information he is receiving. While the son is put into a position where he feels he needs to choose who is right or wrong between his parents, he becomes disconnected from his mother who has been pushed to the outer point of the triangle.
In many cases, the emotional pressure a parent puts on a child by influencing them to choose sides causes the child to have a difficult time differentiating themselves from the parent they become most bonded or “fused” to. This is because they form their world view mainly based on the beliefs of the parent they are closest to in the triangle, and the parent is projecting many of their fears an anxieties onto the child.
The child is assigned this role of being their parent’s emotional support system, validating their feelings and believing what they’re told because after all, their parent is an adult and they know best. The child may have a hard time forming their own opinions which leads to them having a weak self-identity or “differentiation” from their parent. All the while, the child grows more disconnected from the other parent and likely never has the opportunity to hear their perspective or experience.
Eventually, the child maybe become so overwhelmed by the emotional pressure put on by the one parent, that they attempt to disconnect from that parent by moving away or limiting contact with them. This leads to an unhealthy detachment from both parents, likely causing the adult-child to develop patterns in relationships where they become fused to their partner because they no longer have connection with their own family or avoidant of intimate relationships all together. According to Dr. Murray, (the father of family systems theory) the adult-child is also likely to form relationships with other adult-children with weak differentiation (or self-identity) because of their dysfunctional family dynamic.
How do you loosen or undo family triangles?
Detriangle
What keeps a triangle strong is consistent interaction between two family members that isolates another family member. In order to weaken or loosen the triangle, you need to make the conscious decision to stop engaging in the polarization of the isolated member and refrain from validating the other’s beliefs or opinions about the isolated member. This isn’t to say that you can’t validate their feelings or show support if they are upset about a wrongdoing, it simply means that you need to shift from villainizing the isolated member and instead, remain neutral when they’re being talked about. By doing this, you detriangle yourself.
Become an Observer
If you were caught up in a triangle for a lot of your life, or at least in your childhood, your thoughts and opinions were very much influenced by the parent that triangled you. Another way to loosen the triangle is to become an observer of your family members. This would entail you suspending your judgment of them and allowing them to exist as they are, and you as a separate and independent entity. A relationship dynamic will continue to exist between your parents, whether or not it’s healthy and positive, or unhealthy and negative. However, you do not need to be affected by it. You can simply observe what is and live your life in accordance to your own thoughts and beliefs.
Manage Your Reactions
How family members react to each other also has the power to strengthen triangles. If you are an adult-child who was pushed into a triangle dynamic, but realized later that it wasn’t fair to the other parent (or to you), you may have developed a lot of unpleasant feelings including resentment for the parent that pulled you into the triangle in the first place. Being aware of your emotional triggers and knowing how you react to them is the most critical tool for controlling them. While it can be really difficult to control those emotions, and much easier said than done, mentally prepping before spending time or talking to family members can be really helpful in having a positive or neutral interaction with them. Reminding yourself of what may trigger you and identifying how you would like to respond to that trigger can help you mentally prepare to respond calmly and consciously.
Family triangles can be a difficult thing to breakdown and dismantle, but it is a crucial step in empowering families and restoring the health and balance of their family system. For more support in helping your family gain balance and an optimally functioning family dynamic, check out our family communication program in the link below.
